Our journey back to Colombia has been nothing but blessing...tasting and seeing the goodness and kindess of a Father in heaven who has made a way for our family. That doesn't mean there is not loss or hurts. Adoption comes with a cost that weighs heavy on the heart.
I saw the cost when Silas said goodbye to his bio brother and birth mother once again. I felt the weight of what he has held in his heart. The tears on the otherside of the taxi, a whisper of a heart wrestling, "mom, is it ok that I am not crying. They are so sad." I felt it when we took our kids back to their institution where they all lived before placed in our arms. Our sweet Caroline, wanting so badly a morsel of her story, little Marta, not being able to sit still for 2 seconds because she was uneasy there and here nose wouldn't stop bleeding. A first born who would have loved to have seen her birthmom but not possible because she's too far from our region.
But, God has met them. He enters in, and the weight then falls on Him. I could have never dreamed up his ways. The most precious time with birthfamily...information given to all of Caroline's questions about her long lost friends...our little holding her own even though she never knows what is coming next...and our big, well, she's definitely the big...can not believe the young lady she is becoming, and so gracious about waiting to see her birth mom...
That was just the first 3 days....now this...I can not type without tears because what God is doing with our 2 new kids is blowing me away. I let my mind go back to taking Isabel home almost 14 years ago. While we were taking her home, this most precious boy, who is now our son was born into a very hard life...and he and his little sister lived in that hard for several years until one day they were placed in a loving foster home. We were told foster care in Colombia is terrible, well, I dare say we must have had the best foster mom in the land. The love was poured in to our new kids. The healing that has taken place from all their hard and hurts...she was/is amazing. They were well prepared for our family. But, again, the loss, I can not take. They literally drove from their foster home of over 5 years into our arms. So brave. So trusting. Meek yet warm. Grateful. Respectful. Courageous. Why? How can they do this? Because a new life gives them hope and future. The foster mom did not think they would ever be adopted. She assumed they were too old to be chosen. It's all she desired for them. In Colombia once you hit a certain age, if you do not have a forever family you are on the streets.
So here we are. Our 4 being knit together with our new 2. How does this work? How is this possible? How is it that John and I could love and make space for 2 more? How is it that my son of 11 years is so gracious when his new brother comes up to me and gives me a hug or puts his arm around me when we are walking? - My heart...these 2 boys. They are so precious together. Or my girls give me space to sit with their new sister and brush her hair and giggle with her? Only Jesus...I have no other explanation. Adoption makes no sense without Him. His love never fails me. It overwhelms me.
There is nothing glamerous about this. But, it's beautiful. There should be nothing easy about this...but my God, he makes the rough places smooth. If I boast, may I boast in Christ. My wealth is in the cross.
He loves His children. He makes a way for them. But, we need to be willing to enter in...it's what He did, when we follow Him...He makes a way, and He certainly makes all things new!
Do pray continued healing in Juan Camilo and Arelly Vane's heart. Pray for their foster mom. I can not imagine. John is getting run down - he left with a bad cold, but, could be bronchitis. Thank you village. We could not do this without your prayers. So much love for each of you!
Friday, March 10, 2017
Friday, February 17, 2017
Bring It!
It was about a year ago we were asked to go back to Colombia for a very intentional but brief "Child Championing" trip through Bethany Christian Services. I asked John to go because I knew if I set foot in these institutions my heart would be wrecked once again. John was slammed with work, and it did not make sense for him to go...so he blessed me (oh bless him), and I went...
We've entered in to these "hard places" before. Our last adoption by no means was an easy walk. In fact, the first 2 years I wondered how in the world we would come through it...talk about wreckage. We were the adoptive "poster family" for Colombia. But in our space we were a mess. Our baby would rage for hours at a time, our sweet preschooler's hurts would make the hair on my arms stand up, our kindegartners dislike and anxiety over the new siblings broke this mamas heart, our 3rd grader finally breaking after holding it together for over a year and half... it was not easy.
Returning back in 2015 with Project Hope my heart was opened back up so big to the vulnerable kids of Colombia. A few weeks before I left with Bethany's Global workers I spent the weekend at Woven - an adoptive mom retreat. It was a nice weekend. Took in some tools for our sweet bundles. Was convinced that I needed to "enter in" more to my kids stories, and enjoyed great worship and time with friends. On the last day, the Proverbs 31 Founder taught on...honestly, I don't remember, but, I do remember her last 2 words..."Bring it!" So, I started praying that prayer, everyday... "Jesus, bring it!" I felt the Spirit of God giving me a new strength that I, at the time, had no idea what He was "bringing" to our family...
You see in Bogota, Colombia, March 2016 I saw Jesus once again in the faces of the least. The dirty faces, snotty noses, wet pants, deep piercing brown/black eyes, the loneliness, the "pick me"... a note I still have of a teenager girl begging me to be her mommy. Could.not.take. Not only did I see Jesus. I heard him. Every single child I sat with came from hard hard places...and Jesus was there. I met a few bundles and saw faces back home of families that would be amazing with these kids (praise God - a few of these families I saw are either home with their child or in the process - no lie).
I met an 11 year old boy with a scar on his face, he had 2 little sisters. He was a leader. I could not take my eyes off his face, his scar. What happened? What was his story? Did his daddy or mommy hurt him? Did they not keep him safe? Why was he there? His middle sister, clearly bonded to big brother like glue, she was smart, engaging, gentle, kind...and sweet little baby sis, her eyes danced, her giggles I could not get enough of. She was assertive and loved attention. Why are they living in an institution? They can't stay here. They need a family...and on to the next institution... and the next. One of the last stops was a special needs institution where kids do not get out. The walls began to feel closed in...I could not get out of there fast enough...they had no voice...they literally had no hope. Why God? I could hear His gentle voice, "But, I am here."
The trip ended so fast, I was ready to come home. My kids stories came so alive in my heart, That "entering in" that was talked about, I was there...I felt the Holy Spirit give me the gift of "entering in" in a new way and the sweetest time as a family came a few short weeks after on Spring Break in Arizona. Leading up to that trip...the 3 kids I talked about did wreck my heart in all the right places. I cried every day, sometimes for an hour at a time. I apologized to John over and over for not being able to shake these 3 kids. So, we began to pray...I had an army of girlfriends praying over us...our kids began to pray...Spring Break 2016 had some "holy" God time moments as a family of 6. We prayed together every day. We shared. Sometimes the intensity in my heart would put me in the bathroom sobbing on my face (I'm not a crier friends) so my husband and kids didn't have to see how desperate I felt for the 3 kids I met...it was a longing in my heart. Not like the longing for a baby after 5 years of infertilty. It was a longing to be in the heart and will of my loving Father. It was a longing to taste and see the goodness of what God had for our family...it was a longing of 3 kids who needed a home desperately to thrive, they needed a daddy and a mommy to "enter in." My heart had big space for them. It was so open, it hurt every second of my waking hour. Sping Break 2016 was the absolute best as a family of 6. God gave us that time to knit our hearts and minds together as a family. To rest is the goodness of Him and find courage for the yes that came when we came home.
A week after Spring Break it was confirmed in John's heart and so He entered in to my "Bring It" prayer...and gave his yes. The man has courage friends. He has faith! This is not an easy yes for a family of 6 who has weathered the storm and who's feet were finally on the Rock singing a new song.
When I got the green light, I tried to stay calm, but, of course, was frantically contacting our agency, trying to tell the agency that had the 3 kids on "Rainbow Kids" that THEY HAVE A FAMILY!!! I knew that our agency had turned over staff since our last adoption 6 years ago. No.one.knew us. Well, enough to invite us on the "Child Champion" trip, but, not enough to let us jump in and write a letter of intent and submit our old homestudy. What do we do? We could have switched to a different agency that would do all of that, but, we were committed. Long story short. We could not get our homestudy complete in time. Another family had chose the 3 that had caused all of us to pray and draw close as a family. To seek God's kingdom first. My oldest wept. My middle wept. Our little was confused. And all I could say was, "Kids, you prayed them a family. I am so proud of your committment to prayer and talking to Jesus on behalf of the most vulnerable kids." I cried for maybe 2 days...and all that crying, the crying daily was gone from that point on...
Onward...we kept pushing through our homestudy. Looking at files of kids. Stalking Rainbow Kids. From May to July nothing jumped out. I kept looking at sibling groups of 3 (my heart these larger sibling groups are so precious). John in his spirit was confident that 2 was a good number! So, I closed all groups of 3 files. Let them go. Then one day in July as our homestudy was complete, there was a picture of this brother and sister on FB that needed a host family to host them to help them get adopted. Hmmmm....that made my heart and eyes stop to read more. I studied the boys face....I heard God tell me "he has the same story as the boy the wrecked your heart." I looked at this precious girl with beautiful auburn hair...and read about the bond the 2 had and how they could not be seperated. I knew in that moment, they were the kids. I showed John and our kids. Izzy was the first to be like "Yes, they are the ones." When she has a clear answer, I have learned I need to listen. Big BUT, our agency did not have access to them...I called the Colombian Rep. of the agency they were through. She was amazing. If it wasn't for her, we wouldn't be pursuing these kids...I learned about them...sure enough. Their history was similar to the 3 that changed us. I asked God specifically to lead us to a brother and sister with a similar bond and story of the ones that wrecked my heart, and He did. He is so kind. The way He cares for all of our hearts in this.
After a month of pushing hard to stay wtih our agency and adopt these 2 kids we submitted our letter of intent and Colombia gave us a "special match." And it's history from there...paper work, immigration...next travel, 8 days of integration, then courts, then US Embassy...we hold it all loose. We have NO idea how this journey will go. None. We are walking in to it one. step.at.a. time.
The comments we get are funny. We hear a lot of "Wow, you have so much more faith than me." Or "you're crazy, I could never do that." Maybe true...yes, we are crazy. So crazy about opening our home to be a safe place to those who have not had a voice...have walked hard places...being in the will of God. When we realize God is writing our story (we are not) we start to have the ability to see it through God's lense, His perspective, maybe, then it changes how we think. How we live. When Jesus' love abides within us, we are dominated by heavenly forces. No longer my will, but Your will be done Lord Jesus on earth as it is in heaven.
God knew us before the foundation of the world. In His word He tells us that He "set us a part." This is the first adoption that we are pursuing specific kids. Our 4 were chosen by God of course, but, also by the Colombia Child Welfare system. I am so excited to share with our 2 new kiddos, "WE chose you." Isn't that just like Jesus. HE says YOU ARE MINE. I set you a part. You BELONG TO ME!
So, if you pray the prayer, "Bring it!" Be expectant... you never know what God will call you too, but, I can tell you from experience, it's so much better (not easier) than what we ever could have dreamed up!
Our verse we will carry with us in our hearts to Colombia, Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, pray always." Our family theme song (that we sent to our kids in our video) for this journey "Everywhere I Go" Tim Timmons
Thanks for journeying, praying, supporting (emotionally, financially) alongside us, family and friends. We could not do this without you...seriously could not. May God's favor rest on you and your family. We are humble and grateful. May Jesus be enough. Always.
We've entered in to these "hard places" before. Our last adoption by no means was an easy walk. In fact, the first 2 years I wondered how in the world we would come through it...talk about wreckage. We were the adoptive "poster family" for Colombia. But in our space we were a mess. Our baby would rage for hours at a time, our sweet preschooler's hurts would make the hair on my arms stand up, our kindegartners dislike and anxiety over the new siblings broke this mamas heart, our 3rd grader finally breaking after holding it together for over a year and half... it was not easy.
Returning back in 2015 with Project Hope my heart was opened back up so big to the vulnerable kids of Colombia. A few weeks before I left with Bethany's Global workers I spent the weekend at Woven - an adoptive mom retreat. It was a nice weekend. Took in some tools for our sweet bundles. Was convinced that I needed to "enter in" more to my kids stories, and enjoyed great worship and time with friends. On the last day, the Proverbs 31 Founder taught on...honestly, I don't remember, but, I do remember her last 2 words..."Bring it!" So, I started praying that prayer, everyday... "Jesus, bring it!" I felt the Spirit of God giving me a new strength that I, at the time, had no idea what He was "bringing" to our family...
You see in Bogota, Colombia, March 2016 I saw Jesus once again in the faces of the least. The dirty faces, snotty noses, wet pants, deep piercing brown/black eyes, the loneliness, the "pick me"... a note I still have of a teenager girl begging me to be her mommy. Could.not.take. Not only did I see Jesus. I heard him. Every single child I sat with came from hard hard places...and Jesus was there. I met a few bundles and saw faces back home of families that would be amazing with these kids (praise God - a few of these families I saw are either home with their child or in the process - no lie).
I met an 11 year old boy with a scar on his face, he had 2 little sisters. He was a leader. I could not take my eyes off his face, his scar. What happened? What was his story? Did his daddy or mommy hurt him? Did they not keep him safe? Why was he there? His middle sister, clearly bonded to big brother like glue, she was smart, engaging, gentle, kind...and sweet little baby sis, her eyes danced, her giggles I could not get enough of. She was assertive and loved attention. Why are they living in an institution? They can't stay here. They need a family...and on to the next institution... and the next. One of the last stops was a special needs institution where kids do not get out. The walls began to feel closed in...I could not get out of there fast enough...they had no voice...they literally had no hope. Why God? I could hear His gentle voice, "But, I am here."
The trip ended so fast, I was ready to come home. My kids stories came so alive in my heart, That "entering in" that was talked about, I was there...I felt the Holy Spirit give me the gift of "entering in" in a new way and the sweetest time as a family came a few short weeks after on Spring Break in Arizona. Leading up to that trip...the 3 kids I talked about did wreck my heart in all the right places. I cried every day, sometimes for an hour at a time. I apologized to John over and over for not being able to shake these 3 kids. So, we began to pray...I had an army of girlfriends praying over us...our kids began to pray...Spring Break 2016 had some "holy" God time moments as a family of 6. We prayed together every day. We shared. Sometimes the intensity in my heart would put me in the bathroom sobbing on my face (I'm not a crier friends) so my husband and kids didn't have to see how desperate I felt for the 3 kids I met...it was a longing in my heart. Not like the longing for a baby after 5 years of infertilty. It was a longing to be in the heart and will of my loving Father. It was a longing to taste and see the goodness of what God had for our family...it was a longing of 3 kids who needed a home desperately to thrive, they needed a daddy and a mommy to "enter in." My heart had big space for them. It was so open, it hurt every second of my waking hour. Sping Break 2016 was the absolute best as a family of 6. God gave us that time to knit our hearts and minds together as a family. To rest is the goodness of Him and find courage for the yes that came when we came home.
A week after Spring Break it was confirmed in John's heart and so He entered in to my "Bring It" prayer...and gave his yes. The man has courage friends. He has faith! This is not an easy yes for a family of 6 who has weathered the storm and who's feet were finally on the Rock singing a new song.
When I got the green light, I tried to stay calm, but, of course, was frantically contacting our agency, trying to tell the agency that had the 3 kids on "Rainbow Kids" that THEY HAVE A FAMILY!!! I knew that our agency had turned over staff since our last adoption 6 years ago. No.one.knew us. Well, enough to invite us on the "Child Champion" trip, but, not enough to let us jump in and write a letter of intent and submit our old homestudy. What do we do? We could have switched to a different agency that would do all of that, but, we were committed. Long story short. We could not get our homestudy complete in time. Another family had chose the 3 that had caused all of us to pray and draw close as a family. To seek God's kingdom first. My oldest wept. My middle wept. Our little was confused. And all I could say was, "Kids, you prayed them a family. I am so proud of your committment to prayer and talking to Jesus on behalf of the most vulnerable kids." I cried for maybe 2 days...and all that crying, the crying daily was gone from that point on...
Onward...we kept pushing through our homestudy. Looking at files of kids. Stalking Rainbow Kids. From May to July nothing jumped out. I kept looking at sibling groups of 3 (my heart these larger sibling groups are so precious). John in his spirit was confident that 2 was a good number! So, I closed all groups of 3 files. Let them go. Then one day in July as our homestudy was complete, there was a picture of this brother and sister on FB that needed a host family to host them to help them get adopted. Hmmmm....that made my heart and eyes stop to read more. I studied the boys face....I heard God tell me "he has the same story as the boy the wrecked your heart." I looked at this precious girl with beautiful auburn hair...and read about the bond the 2 had and how they could not be seperated. I knew in that moment, they were the kids. I showed John and our kids. Izzy was the first to be like "Yes, they are the ones." When she has a clear answer, I have learned I need to listen. Big BUT, our agency did not have access to them...I called the Colombian Rep. of the agency they were through. She was amazing. If it wasn't for her, we wouldn't be pursuing these kids...I learned about them...sure enough. Their history was similar to the 3 that changed us. I asked God specifically to lead us to a brother and sister with a similar bond and story of the ones that wrecked my heart, and He did. He is so kind. The way He cares for all of our hearts in this.
After a month of pushing hard to stay wtih our agency and adopt these 2 kids we submitted our letter of intent and Colombia gave us a "special match." And it's history from there...paper work, immigration...next travel, 8 days of integration, then courts, then US Embassy...we hold it all loose. We have NO idea how this journey will go. None. We are walking in to it one. step.at.a. time.
The comments we get are funny. We hear a lot of "Wow, you have so much more faith than me." Or "you're crazy, I could never do that." Maybe true...yes, we are crazy. So crazy about opening our home to be a safe place to those who have not had a voice...have walked hard places...being in the will of God. When we realize God is writing our story (we are not) we start to have the ability to see it through God's lense, His perspective, maybe, then it changes how we think. How we live. When Jesus' love abides within us, we are dominated by heavenly forces. No longer my will, but Your will be done Lord Jesus on earth as it is in heaven.
God knew us before the foundation of the world. In His word He tells us that He "set us a part." This is the first adoption that we are pursuing specific kids. Our 4 were chosen by God of course, but, also by the Colombia Child Welfare system. I am so excited to share with our 2 new kiddos, "WE chose you." Isn't that just like Jesus. HE says YOU ARE MINE. I set you a part. You BELONG TO ME!
So, if you pray the prayer, "Bring it!" Be expectant... you never know what God will call you too, but, I can tell you from experience, it's so much better (not easier) than what we ever could have dreamed up!
Our verse we will carry with us in our hearts to Colombia, Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, pray always." Our family theme song (that we sent to our kids in our video) for this journey "Everywhere I Go" Tim Timmons
Thanks for journeying, praying, supporting (emotionally, financially) alongside us, family and friends. We could not do this without you...seriously could not. May God's favor rest on you and your family. We are humble and grateful. May Jesus be enough. Always.
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