"Mom, aren't you going to blog about my story?" Isabel said last night when I tucked her in. I have been sitting on this. She is our private internal processor, journaling her way through, not talking about it a whole lot. I haven't wanted to expose anything that is so personal to her/us. But she let it all out last night (love those late nights laying in bed getting into her "window" of conversation). She wants to me to share so that others adoptees and adoptive families don't shy away from making contact with birth family if it's on their hearts. She also wants others to see how big God's love is and how awesome are His ways and plans. So, here I go...not sure why this is feeling difficult for me as I type. There is something about walking through certain things in life with your first born...although, Silas' reunion with his birth family happened first...it all only came to be because of Isabel's story...and with that being said...there is just this raw emotion that comes with the first born (I know you mama's know what I am talking about: )...
Maybe some of that is from trying to let myself feel how "raw" I was the day we received her. John and I had come off of over 5 years of infertiliity. From tests to treatments, a miscarriage...you name it, we tried it, we experienced it...there was no real big reason we should never conceive, in fact, the Dr. always said if you get pregnant, I would not at all be surprised. Well, we can all see now, why my womb has been closed (thank you Lord-John and I could have never birthed these amazing kids: ) But, at the time it felt like a death, a loss, a dream to let go of...and then...in one moment (literally) this 9 week little 5 lb. preemie was carefully placed in our arms and all that weight and heavy and sadness was gone...completely gone...
Isabel's life did that. A complete miracle. The miracle of life that healed so much of my heart just by her presence...I was now a mom, and she was my daughter. God put my feet on a rock and gave me a new song to sing! Our Colombian experience was incredible. We had 6 weeks of getting to know the culture, sight seeing, meeting some incredible families, falling in love with our Colombian Rep.-Isabel Romero, our hotel staff - Juanita, Valeria, and Camila. And so many more...We learned her story from the Adoption House, received a 6 page letter from her birth mom to her, and a letter to us from her birth mom. We could feel the love Isabel received in the womb, and nothing but gratitude and love for this woman filled our hearts even before our feet ever landed back in the States...big grateful love for this woman!
On her first birthday, I cried all day long. I could not believe God chose her out of all the little bundles in the world to be ours...and this woman, Jakeline, whose heart had so much love...I grieved her loss intensely that day. While I was praying for her, God showed me that it was ok to feel this way for a woman I had never met, but saw everyday in my daughter's dark eyes...I knew on this day that if God entrusted me with such a gift, that I needed to trust Him, and be open to whatever opportunity may come her way...she was not mine. She was His. My whole perspective about being a mom changed that day.
As time went by we watched this incredibly persistant, bright (a lover of books at 2, reading by early 4, best friends with the brainiest little muslim in her preschool class), toddler, than preschooler, "go after life with everything"kind of a kid. On her 4th birthday, I tucked her in bed at night, and she wept. Her bright little mind was trying to process adoption, and the grief that came from her tears over Jakeline was incredibly intense. The next morning I had her draw a picture of what she imagined her to be like. (We still laugh at that special picture)...By 4, I knew God was guiding us to give her a piece of her culture. We had built our dream house, living in an area that was incredibly dutch, and all I could think about was how am I going to get this girl into Spanish Immersion...that would fill a small piece in her heart...
God did that, and we sold our dream...and packed up and moved to Zeeland. (After we tried to get into Ada Vista and Rockford being #51 and 26 on their immerison waiting list-those doors were slammed shut). People thought we were crazy! Moving to a town, leaving where our building business was taking off...we knew nobody. All for this Christian school...and program...just to teach our kids Spanish? Who does that?! Well, I actually know quite a few people now who do...and we did...and best decision we've ever made (after God, marriage, and adopting: )...
Now we are living in Zeeland, Isabel is 7, fluent in Spanish because she spent 8 weeks in Colombia wtih her little sisters adoption and was in 2nd grade immersion. After another inquiry from my dear daughter, triggered by 2 classmates that had open adoptions, God guided me to google her birth mom's name...I had to try...and so, I saw she was on Facebook and joined (after I made a vow to never go on social media-well best connector decision I ever made)...
One private message with a photo of Isabel...a very quick response filled with emotion and tears...a yearly note to eachother until Isabel was 10-we both took it very slow...and then when Isabel turned 11, I told her we were coming to Bogota when Isabel turned 12, and told her Isabel wanted to meet her...the writings became more frequent, and I gave her Isabel's email, so, her messages could go directly to her. She is so respectful of John and I, and loving, and sweet...it was such a natural next step for us...to meet her face to face...
You followed her journey from mission to birth family to friendships...Isabel thrived doing mission and being with/meeting new her Colombian friends. I don't really know what word I would describe for her reunion. You saw the pictures... I guess I don't need to put words to it. Reunions are filled with incredible anticipation, joy, pain, love, sadness, awe...12 years of wonder, on both ends...it's such a BIG love that in Isabel's case, left her speechless. She was so content just being in Jakeline's presence...she didn't need to talk a lot or feel like she needed to know a lot...it didn't matter...this reunion brought incredible love and joy...and healing. Reconciliation took place, that probably either didn't even realize they needed...and the healing will continue to take place over years...and the relationship will continue to grow...
I'm her mom. She's my firstborn. We walk through all the firsts with our first born. That's a great joy and privilege God gives us/them in their birth order...Isabel and I a natural mother/daughter bond. She pressed into me the entire time...Jakeline blessed that. She blessed John and I. We left with immense gratitude in our hearts on all ends. Is there pain? Absolutely...when a child is placed for adoption, every story has some big hard in it...but, do we sit in that?! Only for a moment...we acknowlege it, but, we are not stuck by it. We move forward in and through it...and ALL better for it!
So now what?! I've been asked a lot, where do the littles fit in all of this?! God's still writing their story, and what is good for one, may not be good for another...every story is different! I have a sense that Silas' birth mom may play a role in all of our kid's life. We write every couple days to Isabel and Silas' birth moms. They are a part of our family. It's been fun to see them attempt a little English, so, I really need to kick it in an learn some more Spanish...: / The journey really is just a continuation of what was...except for, we will never be the same, and therefore our family will never be the same...a face to face encounter, an embrace, a conversation...it changes you, whether it's an orphan child, a homeless man, or a woman who is called "birth mom"... it wrecks you, and it fills you. It's thrilling, it's hard to leave, it's love as God intended!
We are called to walk by faith and not by sight...it's the beauty of saying yes to getting out of our comfort...it's the beauty to saying yes to those little nudges like "truly hold your kids loose" and "pursue Spanish Immersion even if you have to move your whole family"...some things don't have to make sense...quite honestly, following God's lead, it almost never does...feel free to ask our kids about it. We are back to normal, and talking is good for them now that we made it through the first week of "re-entry" into normal!: )
Now back to work and ballet clasees, and soccer, and camps...and dreaming up what God has next...it truly is so much bigger than we could ever have imagined!
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