Grateful

My heart is full as I ponder celebrating our 2 little girls tomorrow and their special adoption day! 

I'd love to tell you this has been the easiest year of our lives!  That would not be accurate!  It has been a year of experiencing the fullness of His grace, drinking in the Living Water!  Yup, that's way more accurate! So my heart is grateful as I sit and reflect on all that God has done and is doing among us!

It would be fair to say that I have stopped blogging because so much of my thoughts are what we experience day to day, and what we experience day to day, and the relational and spiritual growth of our family comes from the mess and "hard" of what was, and to share that would be to share some of my kids stories, and they are their stories...for them to share...but, I do have some things to share, coming off of Adoption Awareness month, knowing so many of you are in the "what if we adopted?" thought process...here's just a glimpse into what we've encountered in the last 3 months of yet another refining, exhausting, rich, full, amazingly beautiful year! 

I don't want to forget the details of what Caroline and I shared tonight, so, I will share a glimpse into her heart...she is so very tender...my pleaser and joy filled almost 6 year old!  Tonight I was reading to her, she began to cry, and had a "flash back" moment of her first familia in Colombia, her first casa...this is painful, obviously, she has lost her familia, her culture, thankfully not her first language, and even though it was "hard" there...she still grieves it...it's a loss...and I am so grateful that she is now safe and secure enough in our home to share her little heart with me!  She expresses herself sooo good!  So, after a minute of weeping, yes not just tears, she starts singing, and her face begins to glow "Here I am to Worship" and joy over took her, and she said, "Mommy, it's time! Time to ask Jesus into my heart...well, I know He's with me...I love Him so much!"  This is my bundle that wept over the cross the first time we read the story to her!  YES!  Give me "hard" Jesus!  If it draws my family closer to you, give us "hard!" Sometimes she still feels darkness, memories are too painful, but, praise God, she has entered in to the Kingdom of Light! My prayer is for her to "be strong and courageous, do not be terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you wherever you go!"  John and her continue to grow...it takes time with an older child who is so tender...and in John's testimony he has shared, "God knew I needed her more than she needed me!"  You see, when you encounter darkness, your own sin is revealed, and it's ugly and you want nothing more than to fall before the throne of Grace...and this little bundle has brought our family to our knees...and He is so gracious!  And I am so grateful...

Marta, let's see, in the last year I have encountered being hit several times through out the day, spit on, shoes thrown at me while I'm driving, yelling "owie!" like I'm hurting her when we are grocery shopping...yes, I know, a caseworker would be the first to say, "oh...yah, you are dealing with attachment issues!"  Really?!!!! I can't begin to tell you how much I love her, she has a huge part of my heart...it aches in knowing the causes of this...but, God is so good!  I have some amazing sisters in Christ who have prayed over her, I am giving her to God first thing in the morning praying scripture over her...and yes, God is dazzling me through my baby girl!  Her speech is delayed and she processes words slow...but, not prayers, not scripture...the power of speaking scripture is unbelievable...I encounter it every day, and she is now, in the middle of her rages, saying "Mama, pray, pray Mama...I need God!"  Yes, this is the longest sentence she speaks, and God hears...life is getting much easier now that prayer is such a big part of my little 3 1/2 year olds life!  Another victory...give me "hard" Jesus, give me "hard!"  Oh I am grateful...

Isabel and Silas are seem to be thriving!  But, best of all...the bond between siblings is getting stronger and stronger day by day!  I am so proud of Silas, his rages are over, he, too, is a tender hearted bundle of personality, and continues to love life and people!  Sometimes the conversations I have with him are way over my head...he's a deep thinker and articulates whatever is on his mind so well!  It warms my heart when I hear that he and Caroline "look out" and help each other out on the playground if there is ever an issue...they have come sooo far!  Isabel, although a little "peanut" is maturing, and acting more like a "tween" than a little girl...it's such a fun age!!!  So grateful....

I have found myself in a sincere place of contentment in the last year.  From our home (have I said before living downtown Zeeland is amazing?!  I could see us tackling another "fixer upper" but, Central Ave. is our home,) to feeling that our family is complete.  I get asked all the time...so, when are you adopting again...seriously, the first thing that goes through my mind is "do people know how crazy expensive it is?!"  And then I get this whisper in my head, "I've done it before, why wouldn't I take care of you again!") I said to John..."we are done!"  He is in full agreement...I don't know why I say these things, because it seems like everytime I do, God rocks our world...let's just say, Silas wants a little brother in the worst way, my heart will always be in 2 places (yes, Colombia has a piece of it and always will)...and this mama could give in real quick to that desire...but, John leads...and I trust him with my life...I did tell him I'm praying about it...he said I am supposed to discuss these things with him first, I said "yup, discussing it right now!" :)  On paper it seems impossible...but, we both know if God was calling us to that, He would move mountains to make it happen...

2 years ago...our world was rocked...in an amazingly beautiful "hard" kind of a way...today my arms are wide open...one day at a time...so so very grateful...

Remembering...

Love these little bundles...

Today, 2 years later...

It's been a Year...We love you Caroline and Martita!!

I haven't been much of a blogger since we've arrived home from Colombia last February, life has been so full!  Tomorrow we are celebrating 1 year that our little girls joined our family...my mind and heart have been going back to our time in Colombia ( l love that land and people), and all that God has done since then...it really is overwhelming when I slow down and let my mind go back...

Adoption can be full of surprises...it's funny what goes through your mind when you receive pictures of your children before you meet them.  I can remember feeling so much joy when Tia Isabel emailed me the below pictures, days before we left to travel.  I would look at them and remind myself not to set expectations...but, still thought, aww...Caroline looks so sweet.  She must be a little chubby 3 1/2 year old, quiet, gentle, and shy. It's easy to put an image in your mind and assume that is how it is going to be...and Marta, poor baby, I need to get to you...being "institutionalized" really appears to have affected you!  Reality is Caroline is not the shy, chubby  little girl...although, very cute and gentle, she is outgoing, happy, and as petite as they come...I was correct with Marta.  Living in an institution has really effected her.  I soon learned that her arm up in the picture shows that she was very stressed out just having her picure taken...but, it did not take long and we discovered a very expressive (even though she has few words) stubborn, strong-willed baby girl...and has a personality that catches more attention everywhere we go...she is such a fun lover, and I did not see that in the pictures.  Some surprises with adoption are incredible...others can be painful...

Marta at 19 months

Caroline in November 2009

These below photos of Caroline were taken random at her orphanage...had I seen these before we adopted her...I would have seen a totally different girl...

Funny, what a little stinker and social butterfly she was there, and during our time with her in Colombia...

I've said it over and over, Los Pisingos is an amazing foundation...but, it is not a home.  Just the other night Caroline said to me..."Mommy, I didn't like bath time at Pisingos.  The Tias pushed me into a freezing cold bath and I cried and cried."   It wasn't the Tias fault...they had to push 30 little kids through the baths, and of course, warm water was not afforded at the orphanage.  Amazing how flashback memories come up periodically throughout a typical day...

This last year has definitely been the most challenging and rewarding all at the same time for me.  Don't get me wrong, Isabel and Silas' journey's bring back so much "warm fuzzy" wonderful times...they were so easy, and the love and joy they brought in to our home is indescribable!  We just had our post-placement visit with our caseworker, and I told her I could do this again.  (I don't know...we are not pursuing it anytime in the near future...it will always be on my heart...) I told her if I ever were to do this again, I would not pursue a little baby, but, an older child.  There is just something about having Jesus meet you in the "mess" of these little bundles past...and slowly watch His redeeming love break through, bringing light and hope where there was once darkness and pain.  It is real stuff, and it comes with a cost. We have been pruned, refined, tested, exhausted...overwhelmed...and yet, I still continue to be dazzled by God's goodness in my life!  Everyone always hears my perspective (simply because John doesn't enjoy being on the computer)...but, he would be the first to tell you this has been one of the most difficult years he has ever been through-much harder on him than myself...but, our God is so good and pursues us in a way that we need to pursue each other...Caroline and Marta are His kids, a gift from our Makers hand!  God has used them to keep our gaze on Him, to abide in Him each day...and to experience first hand the power of His love! How could we not experience all of this?!  His heart is for the orphan, and I am continually amazed that He chose me to have a front row seat into their lives! We (John, Isabel, Silas, and I) are all better because Caroline and Marta are a part of our family! 

"Oh Happy Adoption Day!"

Back to School

Summer was ...a much needed time be together and grow together as a family!  It was not always easy...some days were really difficult.  But, by the end of August it felt like we had turned a huge corner and our family life feels much more natural (or normal-if there is a normal) than it did in days previous! 

We did not anticipate sending all 4 kids off to school this fall, but, after a few evaluations on little Marta, and realizing how much Caroline thrives in the classroom environment...we are in full swing...and it could not be going better!!

Below, Isabel's first day of 2nd grade with Maestra Koop!  She is off to a wonderful year...loving being immersed back in the Spanish language, reading like crazy, and enjoying her friends at school and being a big sis at home! Wow...has she grown up in the last 10 month! 

 

Silas was very happy to start Kindergarten with Maestra Zondervan!  He is so social and has turned a huge corner since school started! His teacher is a gift in setting a godly example, having strong expecations, and encouraging him to be the best he can be!  He is thriving and has come so far since this past spring!  He loves hanging out with other little boys, and has informed me that he has begun talking to God about having a little brother!  Ay!

Caroline continues to amaze me!  She has adapted and bonded to us so well!  She is such a joyful little girl with an eagerness towards life!  The big question was do we send her to an English or Spanish preschool.  Given the fact that as of June, she has lost all of her Spanish, we decided to enroll her back into the El Puente program as she has picked up English so quickly.  Her English comprehension is still not there, but, it's just preschool, so, we think having both is a win for her eagerness to learn!  She is blessed to have Maestra Schrotenboer and Rodriguez.  The 2 teachers compliment eachother so well...and Caroline is thrilled to be going 3 afternoons a week to the same school that big sis and big brother go!

And Martita! Out baby!  2 and half and still one strong willed baby girl!  We met with Early On and have been so blessed.  We had a speech therapist, occupational therapist, and physical therapist visit a few times this summer...and it had become clear that Marta is definitely delayed in all 3 areas, specifically her speech...so, she too, is off to Early On 2 mornings a week!  This program is a gift, and already we have seen Marta grow in so many areas!  Her speech is still a big frustration for her...so, we anticipate this being a year of making great strides with her language...we are hopeful anyways!



Having 4 kids under the age of 7 is a big undertaking!  But, for me, it has brought nothing but great joy, total exhaustion, and lots of blessings in the last 10 months!  God continues to show me that His mercies are new each day, there is no other way to live than surrendering each day to Him, and when the Spirit gives me that nudge, I better move, because I would never want to miss out on all that He has planned for my life!

Obviously, our 4 kids are a result of listening to that "nudge"...even when it just didn't seem to make sense...and so is El Puente at ZCS!  And God continues to provide and confirm the His ways are perfect even if they don't always make sense! It really has been amazing to experience!  So, being back into the swing of homework, routines, field trips, carpooling...and all that goes along with having our kids in school...it has been wonderful!  I think I was meant to be a "mom on the go!"  Not that I don't enjoy a quiet Saturday afternoon at home, I just appreciate it more now that our weeks are so full!  It's good to be back in school!  I have great anticipation to see what God has in store for this year! 

It's not going to be one of those big years where we are pursuing an adoption or selling a house...nope...our plate is full...and we are very content to just "be" for this period in our life! After almost 12 years of pursuing our family, having to look ahead... we finally feel complete!  But, I've learned long ago...never say never...so we continue on...not looking to far ahead, but, taking one day at a time!   

Family Photos taken in August

Thanks to my in-laws for giving our family the gift of these family photos by Melissa Diekema Photography!





Spring...Here and Gone!!

Spring came quickly seeing that I only had 4 weeks of Michigan winter before spring was in the air! I felt very motivated when we returned home from Colombia to accomplish many things...I expected to be organized, structured, and fully of energy...I did just come off of 10 1/2 weeks of not having to make meals, do laundry, or really think for that matter...just be mom to my kids (which was a challenging task given all the dynamics going on). I was ready to tackle life! As you can see below, I was even ready to dive in and tackle all the post-placement adoption paperwork (if you think it's a mountain before you leave, coming home, for me is a much greater a chore, after all, our girls are ours, why do we need to spend more money and time on translations, social security, Michigan birth certificates, passports)...ok, so, I had it all out, and bagged it...still need to take care of all of that...

...We did quickly get into a routine...and to my greatest surprise, both girls were way more adaptable then I ever expected or could have hoped for. I could wake Marta up from naps to drop Silas off to preschool, we could send them into Sunday School (only one intense tantrum from Caroline-kicking the teacher and screaming and kicking on the floor-who was so wonderful with her)...they love being in the van, and after having to do a little design work for John's customers, off we would go, and they were very content, no excited, because while driving in the van, Caroline discovered many new things that she has never seen before...

Below is one of our first pics of spring...heading off to church! I love Sunday mornings!

Ahhh...and this spring we began to start back up on our big project of a home...purchasing an old home has been a lot of fun, and a lot of work...John has been amazing with what he is turning this old house into...

...the old rotted wood siding came down...and the hardi board fiber cement went up (just finished today actually)...so, very soon we'll see some color on the exterior...thinking a dark charcoal/chocolate, with white trim...I can't wait!!

...I've been very fortunate by both sets of parents to be able to sneak away for a few hours and do a few field trips with Isabel and Silas...here is Isabel and friends at the Fredrick Meijer Gardens...


April is always a fun month with school because we have the Auction and the Family Fun Night...ok, I am not a fan of fun night, but, the kids would be devastated if we didn't go...so, off we went...Caroline and Silas both won a gold fish. Not to excited about that, especially since Caroline's fish didn't even live to make it home. Caroline has a VERY hard time when she watches things die (I let her watch "Charlette's Web"-big mistake-she wept on the couch for over 3o minutes when Charlotte died, I mean a grieve stricken weep!) So, when Mr. Fish died, we had quite the experience...as you can see below, Silas had a hard time being serious saying good-bye to Mr. Goldfish! But, Caroline worked through it and all is well...

...since the kids are in Spanish Immersion, they try and do South American type field trips if possible...below Silas's class went to an Al Paca farm to see these animals get shaved...interesting creatures...

...spring is our time for birthdays...everyone but Caroline has a spring birthday...you can imagine we heard, "It's not fair, Mommy." Yes, that would be in English...need I mention after 6 months of being in our home, Caroline is completely bi-lingual. AMAZING! In fact, she insists that Isabel and Silas speak to her in English, but, they are so used to speaking to her in Spanish, that they still most often forget and speak Spanish...

Below, Silas wishing me a Happy 35th birthday! Love my boy!

I had a lot of fun going to Silas' preschool class to celebrate Mother's Day (Feliz dia de Madre)...Silas was excited to sing a few songs and show me all of his projects and accomplishments. He had a really hard time in preschool during our transition time with the girls, but, the last month he really turned a corner, and is very excited to go to Kindergarten next year!

...Silas had a special Preschool Graduation, as you can see, he was very happy to receive his little diploma...

...ahhh, and can't forget the year end fiesta! What fun Silas had, not only with his classmates, but, even his little sisters...

El Puente at ZCS has the most amazing teachers...

John worked hard on our Spring Parade home. We are grateful to God that he provided the wonderful customers in Ed and Becky, and this home on Gun Lake to market our business...we all know the building market is down, and this job couldn't have come at a more timely season in our life...

...so, the last 2 weeks, John spent a lot of time sitting in this parade home...

...he just finished last night, so it feels like our summer is just beginning...

...Memorial Day Weekend was fun spent out at my parents on Mona Lake...

Caroline again proved how brave she was, not being able to swim at all, or little experience in the water, she was like a fish with Grandpa in the lake, and even went tubing with her cousins...

...Marta gets a big kick out of her Grandma Van...she loves a good time, and so does her Grandma...speaking of Marta, we feel she is really making progress...having taught her a little sign language, we are beginning to communicate, and she is less frustrated...we are working with "Early On" and have seen significant progress in the last couple of weeks...Marta has great potential, everyone can see that...

...Silas was just happy to have some more boys around for the weekend...thank goodness for boy cousins...

...Aunt Marcy took some time with the girls, and they were in their glory...you'd think they would be afraid on the seadoo, but, Caroline kept yelling, "faster, faster!" and little Marta just squeeled with delight...

...the day before school was out, I was able to do one more field trip with Isabel and friends to the museum and zoo...

...she was her goofy "free spirited" self...

Isabel ended her school year with her ballet recital at Turning Point...so sweet!

That's just a glimpse into our spring, we have been blessed by some dear friends in our lives that we have been able to hang out with over the past couple months, and I was even able to do a Beth Moore study in our home with some great women...I really can't even believe that Caroline and Marta could do that, but, they rolled with it, and are proving to feel very safe and secure in their new home.

Our goal all along in the beginning was to make them feel safe and secure. If I ever felt that we pushed them to far, or were "running" to much, I'd pull back...but, John and I both feel they have found a safe place in our home, they both are showing great signs of attachment, which was our prayer over the last year and a half (attachment disorder is very real for children who have been relinquished and had a lot of trauma-so we did not take this lightly when we pursued our adoption this time around)...bonding is a process...and every week we continue to progress as a family...we have not yet arrived, and yes, have had some small bumps and some big bumps along the way...but, God is in this, He is the reason our family looks the way it does...and though not all days are easy...we BLESS Him for allowing us to be the parents to 4 most precious children!

So...on to summer days...we need this time as 6 as I said before...some days it feels we have 2 seperate sets of kids. Isabel and Silas are so bonded, and Caroline and Marta are bonded...we need them all to come together to have that "shalom in the home" that we all desire...that is our prayer and our hope for this summer...

Marta turns 2!

Today Marta turned 2 years old! What an amazing little girl we are celebrating today!

I can't type that without being teary eyed! Marta has endured so much in her short 2 years of life, and I still am in awe of all that she has overcome in the last 6 months...

She continues to be such a delight to our whole family, even through her intense moments of tantrums and stubborness, she has the ability to capture your heart with her goofy personality, her short stocky little build, and her curious nature...

...in the last 6 months, she has gone from just starting to crawl to walking all over the house-pretty much owning it...she has gone from rejecting all solid foods, throwing herself into huge tantrum moments, to...well, let's just say food is still an issue, but, she is no longer rejecting it...she went from having some very long rough nights, probably "night terrors" to being one of our best sleepers in the house...for the longest time she was showing 0 signs of attachment, to beginning to recognize us as her daddy and mommy...and what we are most excited about is that she has gone from being totally locked within herself, saying nothing, to beginning to form sounds...Marta has definitely begun to come out of herself...We praise God for these things!!

She still has delays and struggles...that's just part of her story and who she is. Marta is one stubborn, strong-willed baby girl ! When she wants something she will take all measures to get it...below you will see her before a huge tantrum about not getting any more to eat...

Neglect is a very real thing, and honestly, it is probably the worst thing a child (for their brain and ability to attach) can endure....I believe that is what is triggering her need for food all the time, and still her ability to attach complety.

I share this because I know many are pondering adopting a child, and this can be a difficult issue that arises. But, thankfully, we have a God that is all-powerful, loving, and sovereign...and He is ABLE to redeem what the evil one so badly wants to destroy!

We've already seen His restoration begin, and that is a beautiful process to be a part of...the kids adore Marta, even when she pushing them out of her way, squeeling in frustration at them, getting into their things...it doesn't matter...they all love her...she is the "baby" of the family...and we are so blessed to have her in our lives! Happy 2nd Birthday, Marta!!

Many have been wondering how we are doing. I love you dear friends! I haven't been blogging in a while. But, YES, we are doing very good! I did not set any expectations on this adoption, none...how could I?! Every adoption is so different, every child is different...if you are reading along and are even adopting an infant, not one adoption journey will look the same, it's not supposed to.

With that being said, I can't wait to share all that God has been doing in the last 6 months within our family, the good stuff, the challenges, all of it...but, it has been one very crazy spring...we need to wrap up the school year and get through the Parade of Homes for our business. John and I are not going to fill our calendars so full with friends this summer, but, are planning to have a lot more family time than we were able to have this spring...we need to contiue to develop healthy attachment among each other...and our time together as 6 is critical for that to happen!